Dear Judge Cobos,

Are you trying to piss people off? If so, mission accomplished.

I don't get it at all. Fill me in, please. What's the goal here? Maybe you could execute a Shetland pony on the steps of the courthouse in front of a bunch of orphan kids to seal the deal as the most hated man in El Paso. Which, I might add, is quite a feat considering you're competing against the likes of me and Bob Jones.

The difference is that I'm an asshole and Bob is an indicted asshole. Where are you going to stand?

I'd like to some explanations.

Why Travis Ketner? You know you can't trust "whitey," especially when "whitey" happens to be a Republican. Funny the words "regret" and "Ketner" both have the same amount of letters.

Once Ketner went "underground," you put French fries on mashed potatoes when you picked the beloved, local political figure, Jaime O. Perez, to replace him. I'm trying to come up with a more politically polarizing person than the famous Jaime O. Perez, and can only venture Tom Delay or Jessie Jackson as a guess. Why Jaime O.? Drama follows this guy everywhere he goes.

Then, there was that whole Lozano Ascarate Park deal where you let a political ally set up his little model (that wasn't to scale) of an imaginary theme park in the foyer of the courthouse. This was happening at the same time El Pasoans were questioning the influence of certain individuals over elected officials.

You dotted that "i" by giving the impression that you were going to GIVE ASCARATE PARK TO Alejandro Lozano without a fair proposal process. Why would you do that?

When you said you wanted "more transparency in government," did you mean that you wanted the public to see right through your bullshit move last Friday when you tried to hijack the procurement process for the state lobbying contract? Or did you mean you weren't even going to try to hide the fact that you were hijacking the procurement process for the state lobbying contract last Friday?

I'm not sure you noticed, but we're watching you pretty closely.

If I could sum up your reign as county judge in a song it would be Hall and Oates' "Private Eyes." You can find the song and video at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=anLfoy2XsFw. Don't think you can slide things on to the agenda and we won't send that pain in the ass, David Crowder, over there to check it out?

Why are you mad at Paul Foster? Do you think he had something to do with the FBI, "bringing it on?"

I rather enjoyed your little stint as Alan Greenspan the other day when you said that you didn't think the economy could sustain a new shopping center. Halloween doesn't start until the end of the month, but I'll find you a Greenspan mask to complete your charade for now.

A good friend of mine wanted me to ask you: I've heard people say you did the right thing for the wrong reason, but I think you did the wrong thing for the right reason. If they're not going to pay, they really shouldn't play, right? What do you think of that?

I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news, but you're up for re-election soon, and you're losing it. I'm afraid the voters here in town may not trust you enough to re-elect you.

You're acting like you graduated from the Rachel Quintana School of Public Relations with a master's in Public Humiliation. Pull it together, my man. If you lose and she gets hauled off to jail, I'm out of a job!