Ever since last week's column, I've been both yelled at and patted on the back for the answer to my first (!) advice request. Yelled at because some people thought I should have given the guy a little more benefit of the doubt, and patted on the back for dousing my young advice seeker's hopes with cold water by telling her the way things are in the real world. This week's letter demanded another splash of reality in the face of young 'un navigating the sometimes treacherous Straits of Relationships for the first time. It was a long one, so I did some editing. . . .
HELLO MISS PATRICIA,
I HAVE BEEN ON AND OFF WITH MY FIRST LOVE FOR NINE YEARS SINCE I WAS 16. WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL 2 YEAR OLD SON.
HE CHEATED ON ME AND WE SEPARATED. WE'RE BACK TOGETHER BUT I DON'T THINK HE IS READY TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PARENT AND LIFE PARTNER.
WE ARE LIVING IN MY MOTHERS HOUSE BUT ARE PLANNING ON GETTING OUR ON PLACE. HE NEVER SAVES MONEY AND I DON'T KNOW HOW WE ARE GOING TO MAKE ENDS MEET.
HE NEVER HAS ANY PATIENCE WITH ME. I FEEL LIKE I AM HOLDING ON TO A RELATIONSHIP THAT JUST WON'T WORK.
MAYBE IT WAS JUST NOT MEANT TO BE.
SIGNED, CONFUSED AND FED UP.
Ok, as I said, I did some editing, but for length, not content. By that I mean I didn't cut out any good points about Confused's man. She didn't say one good thing about him or the relationship, and I mean not one. Her letter was at least three times the length of the one above. You see the problem. You don't? Hello?! Confused is living the Soap Opera Life.
But, I've never watched a (adopt haughty tone of voice here) soap opera, says you. Uh, yeeaaahhh, says I. We all have and we all know how they work. In a soap, there is a foreground story of boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy and girl get trapped on a desert island by a sinister villain and save the world from said sinister villain while looking like a B list Brad and Angelina. Of course, as boy and girl age, they become the background story to support the next round of B list Brad and Angie's foreground stories.
Confused is, unfortunately for her because of her age, living in the foreground story, and it's not fun. Well, okay, parts of it are fun, but if you play your cards right, you can carry the fun parts over to when you become the background story and leave all the crappy parts behind. But I digress.
If you are, ahem, of a certain age, you have already lived through the foreground story. In some of our cases, there have been a couple of foreground stories. There probably wasn't a sinister villain, but there was most definitely a lot of Sturm und Drang as there is with Confused. People living in the Dawning of the Age of Romantic History are forever trying to figure out why he hasn't called in three days, why she insists on leaving a box of tampons in his apartment, or in Confused's case, why after having a child together, taking him back after he cheated, and trying to hold onto a relationship that just won't work, the relationship just won't work.
Well, you can blame it on Days of Our Lives, et al.
Little girls grow up watching these darned serials and thinking that all relationships are fraught with drama, people who live ridiculously beyond their means, and candle-lit, soft focus sex. That's not life. Life is also not putting up with a man who cheats, never saves money and has you running to your computer to write a page a half long email detailing all the problems with your relationship to a stranger. Confused, you are having a gut feeling. Listen to them -- your guts know all. You will, of course, not believe me when I tell you that, because you are still a toddler in relationship years. But once you have reached that certain age, you will sigh and nod your head with the knowledge that I was right. What is that certain age? How would I know? I'm not there.
Ha, ha, ha! Oh! I crack me up!
No, seriously, Confused, you need to begin thinking about living your life without your son's father. He has shown that he is incapable of fidelity, has no concept of a rainy day or why it is necessary to save for one, and has you signing letters as CONFUSED AND FED UP. You seem to be ready to be an adult and a mom, so go be that and leave Mr. Loser behind. If he is the One, he'll clean up his act and make himself useful to you and your son. If not, good riddance.
Me, I hope you get the cleaned up man, the life lived well within your means, and by all means, the candle-lit, soft focus sex. Good luck. . .
Tricia
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Patricia Martinez is the co-host Mike in the Morning Show, 93.1 KISS FM. If you are looking for some love advice from Patricia, please send an email to info@epmediagroup.com with Love in the subject line.
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Archives:
What’s love got to do with it? Reverse dodgeball and first dates.
by Patricia Martinez
In the coming columns, I'll tell you my stories and I hope you tell me yours. Because that's what a relationship is all about. And relationships are what this column is all about.
Posted on October 22, 2008
What’s love got to do with it? Demanding lounge lizards on the rise
This lounge lizard had told her that the only way he and his compadres would "bother to talk to them" -- she bunny eared the phrase in the air with her beautifully manicured hands -- was if they were "gainfully employed."
Posted on October 30, 2008
What's love got to do with it? Let him go!
Kelly watched in horror and Jane in silent fury as John gently rested his hand on the curve of the date's lower back. They watched her giggle at his jokes, watched them ignore the menu and send the waitress away three times before finally concentrating on ordering -- you get the picture.
Posted on November 6, 2008
What's love got to do with it? Anonymouse and the big rat.
This week I give a little tough love advice and I hope that doesn't prevent you from sending in letters asking for my advice. Sometimes in love and in life, the truth really hurts.
Posted on November 13, 2008
MR CK
November 20, 2008
Good advice. She owes it to the child to have a stable home. Drama is good to see at the movies, not to bring it home. Most young women are pregnant with their second child within 2 years of their first child, statistically. Cut your losses. Find an honest guy first. A job and work ethic is good. It's easier to feel fireworks when there is a mature, trusting relationship. Good luck. CK
anudderview
November 21, 2008
Is she married to the guy? She didn't say if she was married to the guy. Does marriage even exist anymore, and does it even matter nowadays anyway? Why then all the hubbub about protecting the "sanctity of marriage" from all those icky awful gay people who want to get married now. What's all this fuss I hear about Prop. 8??
Patricia, you write like "marriage" has now been casually replaced by the word "relationship." But then again who needs marriage when you can be in "a committed relationship" instead, right?
So first things first CONFUSED. If you are married you should clarify for yourself what that indeed means to you before you just "leave Mr. Loser behind" and potentially compromise all your values on the basis of "soap opera" advice. If on the other hand he's just your babydaddy, then probably better to move on. The good thing is in this case that your child is only 2 and, well let's face it, a 2 yr old really doesn't need a father; they can grow up perfectly healthy and functional without one. Buena suerte.
mrbig
November 23, 2008
I heard you on Charlando this week, you sounded good. This guy sounds like a loser and the girl should have left him when he cheated on her in the first place. A dog is a dog and he'll get away with what you let them get away with. Keep up the good work Trisha and don't let the haters get you down. The guys at my shop love listening to your sexy voice every morning!
la loca
November 23, 2008
Doing the math you are obviously a 25 year old woman with a 2 year old boy and a man who has been given a great gift (i.e. free rent at your parent’s house) and he still insists on blowing the gift on booze, women, gambling, an X-Box… whatever. From a financial standpoint you would be better off leaving this guy and getting the Attorney General to garnish his wages before he has a chance to spend the money that should go to his child. From an emotional standpoint you are not happy so deep down inside you know it’s over.
Now, don’t think that leaving the guy will be the hardest part of this journey. Once he is out of your life and you have some room to reflect you are going to be faced with the ugly reality that your Ex served as your “improvement project” for many years while you probably ignored your own personal shortfalls. Once he’s gone all of your flaws are going to stare you in the face and you are going to wonder, “Why did I allow someone to treat me like cr@p?” Whatever you do, don’t start dating again until you’ve worked on your issues and make yourself strong enough to NEVER let this happen again. Get therapy, go to school, get a good job, and get your own house. You and your son will be so much happier once you focus your “improvement project” energy on yourself.
I assume you will still be living with your parents for a while so that is another reason why you shouldn’t date for a while. Your parents are obviously generous people and you will be tempted to go out for drinks with your friends after work or leave your kid with them on the weekend when your friends want to go to Cancun. You’ve been with this guy since you were 16 and you’ll feel entitled to re-live the youth your Ex took away. Sorry Confused and Fed Up, there are no “back-ees” once you have a kid. If you start acting irresponsible you will be exactly like your Ex.
You should only leave your child with your parents when you are at work or at school if you can’t afford day care. Even if they encourage you to go out, don’t do it because it’s going to create a dynamic where your parents will start to worry that you are going to make the same mistakes again. And since you are living under their roof, they are going to have every right to question where you were, who you were with, and what you are doing with your life even though you are a 25 year old adult. If you act like a responsible adult, your parents will not have a need to question or dictate your life while you live with them.
Finally, don’t give into the temptation to use your child to hurt your Ex. If he forgets the kid’s birthday don’t say your son is not home when he finally calls. If he gets a new girlfriend don’t hide your child so that he can’t take him out on his designated weekend. Don’t tell your kid what a horrible man his father is because it will only effect your child’s self esteem and make him feel guilty for loving his daddy (something little kids can’t help) . If your Ex wants a relationship with your child you should encourage it as long as your child is safe from physical and emotional harm. If you hear news, good or bad, about your Ex, don’t obsess over it because he is not your problem anymore. Your focus should be on creating a good life for you and your child regardless of your Ex’s contribution or lack thereof. Good luck!
T.K. Def AKA Lost N Alone
December 2, 2008
I need 2 know my Girl friend broke up with me she says are spark is gone I knowits cause we went 2 far 2 soon and I really do Love she says that she dont love me know but we talk 2 each other more ne buddie else so dose she love do we have a chance