If you hate him so much, why won't you let him go? Not can't let him go, won't let him go.
That's the question my friend Kelly posed to her sister Jane recently. They were having lunch at the Greenery last Saturday when Jane's soon to be ex-husband walked in. With another woman. And clearly in the middle of what turned out to be a second date. (Note to men, women love a lunch date on a Saturday afternoon. It's romantic in a totally different way than a Saturday night dinner. But that's another column.)
So there they were when John walked in. Obviously the names have been changed to protect the columnist from angry e-mails and possible lawsuits. Kelly watched in horror and Jane in silent fury as John gently rested his hand on the curve of the date's lower back. They watched her giggle at his jokes, watched them ignore the menu and send the waitress away three times before finally concentrating on ordering -- you get the picture. Now, the divorce is chugging along and God knows the year leading up to it was brutal, so why was Jane seething over her raspberry tea as she watched the man she said she was over at a restaurant with another woman?
Because nothing is harder than watching someone who used to love you love someone else.
Humans are odd creatures. We want to be loved and adored, but if a relationship ends, we want the other person to be devastated to the point of catatonia. Of course, we reserve the right to be completely healed after a pint or three of Ben and Jerry's, but we want the discarded significant other to rent their garments and gnash their teeth as they pine away for us. In our minds, they are almost contractually obligated to end up a puddle of useless goo capable of nothing but the aforementioned pining. Which brings us back to Jane.
See, Jane dumped John. She felt she had married too young and said she was suffocating in the marriage. She wanted to, everyone say it together, feel wanted again. After the final break was made and John got a place of his own, Jane started going out with her friends and doing just that. John tried hard to give her space, but it seemed there was never enough for Jane. So John stopped trying and found someone who made him feel wanted again. There was no goo. And that made Jane go on the offensive.
She started holding fast to him, hanging on to the sleeve of his shirt while running away from him at top speed. Emotionally, not literally. You know the drill. The calls to have him do something around the house and the inevitable favorite meal in the oven when he showed up. But if he called her to see how she was doing, she would accuse him of trying to keep her under his thumb. Of course, if he didn't call her, she would text him and complain that he didn't care enough to check up on her. There was no winning and it drove John crazy. But it also kept him at the end of a leash that Jane controlled and that's where she wanted him. Accessible but at arm's length. Which led to Kelly's question.
As she sat there and watched the man with whom she had spent 10 years enjoying a bottle of merlot with another woman, Jane shook her head and said she had no idea why she wouldn't let go. She admitted she had no feelings of affection for John, but couldn't understand why his had also evaporated. Hadn't he tried for months to get her back by giving her her freedom? She was baffled when he gave up on a reconciliation. She even finally admitted that she enjoyed playing with his emotions with all the push and pull. Then Jane did something Kelly didn't expect. She shifted in her chair so her back was to John and his date. And when she and Kelly were finished with their meal, they paid the bill and left.
John never even knew they were there.
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Patricia Martinez is the co-host Mike in the Morning Show, 93.1 KISS FM. If you are looking for some love advice from Patricia, please send an email to info@epmediagroup.com with Love in the subject line.
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Archives:
What’s love got to do with it? Demanding lounge lizards on the rise
by Patricia Martinez
This lounge lizard had told her that the only way he and his compadres would "bother to talk to them" -- she bunny eared the phrase in the air with her beautifully manicured hands -- was if they were "gainfully employed."
Posted on October 30, 2008
What’s love got to do with it? Reverse dodgeball and first dates.
by Patricia Martinez
In the coming columns, I'll tell you my stories and I hope you tell me yours. Because that's what a relationship is all about. And relationships are what this column is all about.
Posted on October 22, 2008
frisco
November 6, 2008
Tough bananas Jane, sounds like you had it coming. Too bad the next guy won't know what he's in for.
See John. See John woo. Woo John woo.
MR CK
November 9, 2008
What is sad is when an individual will spend his/her resources in finding a new lover but won't make as much effort to save the relationship they have invested 10+ years. It is the attitude of wanting to excel as an individual versus flourishing as a couple that gets people in trouble. She says she is not fulfilled and he says he is strangled in the relationship. Unless they get competent counseling the marriage goes into goodbye mode. Very sad.
My advice: Step back. Rethink. Regroup. Make new mutual goals. Recommit to each other. Relight religion. Seek new positive friends in positive relationships. Invest the resources, time and do what it takes to make the relationship work. The only exception is an abusive or toxic situation.
Ed
November 10, 2008
Patricia,
I think you nailed it with this article. In my family law practice I see this type of wavering back and forth all the time. One week a divorce client will call to complain about their spouse's cruelty and the next week they will want to reconcile. Even the person who asked for the divorce often has a hard time accepting the loss of control over their spouse or reasserting their own independence. As you can probably guess, a large part of being a divorce attorney is being a good listener and counselor in order to try to keep your client steady and balanced through the legal process when they just can't let go.
David
November 13, 2008
Jane:
Keep trying dear.... John knew you would be there and had a paid escort just to make you jealous.
It's your turn to fall all over him!!!!
la loca
November 16, 2008
There is a method of testing metal to see how much pressure it can take by pulling it apart with either constant pressure that is exerted over a long period of time, or pressure that is incrementally added in a short period of time. The result is good information on how much pressure and time it takes to break a piece of metal which is difficult to ascertain with any other method. The other result is two pieces of seemingly useless scrap metal.
Jane made the unfortunate mistake of treating her relationship like a piece of metal. Every time her mate endured another test Jane felt reassured that she was wanted, although in a very perverse way. The problem with Jane’s “tests” is that she never bothered to figure out what she would do if she actually “broke” John. What you saw at the Greenery was John’s scraps being melted down and possibly rebuilt in a more permanent structure.