It was a shocking conversation, there's no doubt about it.
A cousin of mine went out for drinks last weekend with some friends from work. She said she and three other women were at a nice Downtown watering hole, enjoying the end of the week when a man approached the group. He introduced himself and extended his hand to all the ladies at the table. There was usual small talk about it being Friday and everyone agreeing that that first round of drinks was a welcome reward for a job well done. Then he said it:
"Well, I'll be honest with you guys. Since I heard you talking about work, I decided it was safe to come over and get to know ya'll."
I heard the words, but felt as though I was on a conversational ledge leaning forward. I looked at her slightly askance, waiting for her to build a verbal bridge underneath me. She continued:
"When we looked at him like you're looking at me, he said that in these tough economic times, one of the men in the group he hung out with would scout an interesting group of women to find out if they were gainfully employed before they would bother to talk to them."
I was quite under the weather last week and was sure that my doctor prescribed pharmacological haze was somehow playing havoc with what I was hearing. Nope, my cousin assured me, I had heard correctly. This lounge lizard had told her that the only way he and his compadres would "bother to talk to them" -- she bunny eared the phrase in the air with her beautifully manicured hands -- was if they were "gainfully employed."
Now, I am in the happy position of being completely in love with the man of my dreams, so I haven't been to a bar in quite some time without him. But my cousin, who is a very attractive 34 year old brunette, has been divorced for about five years and has been single for almost a year. She thought she just going through a dry spell, but the liquor lubricated would-be lothario had her questioning herself.
Maybe she had been spotted by the man of her dreams on a dress-down Saturday morning and he had gotten the impression that she was “employment challenged” and ducked his head behind his two-page A section of the El Paso Times, resigning himself to a solo life of half-caf, no-foam grande lattes because his lady love was not financially viable.
Perhaps she had been dressed a little better when her star-crossed Prince Edward (watch the movie Enchanted, you'll get the reference and be, well, enchanted) crossed her path, but he judged her not "gainfully employed" but only "employed" and decided that he should not suffer the slings and arrows of my cousin’s sorry state of salary.
Cue the sound of brakes screeching.
I could not believe my cousin was wallowing in self pity and doubt. Wasn't she good enough, smart enough and, doggone it, didn't people like her? Yes, yes, and yes, I told her. And, to top it all off, she makes a very comfortable living.
So why didn't she, I asked, look that guy in the eye and tell him that the drinks she and her friends were holding were paid for by her? Why did she not tell him that she was unaware that W-2's were now a necessary part of her handbag’s contents for a night out on the town, along with lipstick, a couple of twenties, you know, just in case, and a condom? You know. Just in case.
She stared at me, blinked, then furrowed her brow slightly. I don't know, she said. I guess I didn't want him to think I was being a bitch.
Now, before you assume that I'm going to talk about that rather loaded word, rest assured, I'm not. It's a non-issue for me and lots of other women. A woman is either being a bitch or being assertive, depending on who is calling the play by play. But I digress.
No, I was surprised that none of the women at the table called the cad out for his stupid comment. I rather enjoy being a smart ass. Pour a couple of drinks down my gullet, and I feel like I have a Ph.D. in Smart Ass.
So what should they have done, IMHO?
When Genius Guy, hereafter known as G.G., said, "I'll be honest with you guys", they should have asked why he had been lying to them prior to that, and unless he prefaced every comment with “I'll be honest with you guys,” should they assume he would be bald-faced lying?
Moving on. How could G.G. tell that anyone was "gainfully employed?" How did he know that he wasn't in the presence of a gaggle of selfless, unpaid volunteers, or interns, or just, I don't know, say, lottery winners who went from office to office, righting wrongs and making sense of senseless filing systems?
Did I mention that I was taking doctor prescribed pharmaceuticals?
Listen, I don't hate men. I just don't understand how after decades of chick flicks you guys can still manage to screw up in such a spectacular manner. I mean really, you have alcohol and flattering lighting, and the best you could come up with is scout an interesting group of women to find out if they were gainfully employed before bothering to talk to them. Sheesh, G.G.
Guys, fellas, how would you like it if we walked right up to you at a bar and asked how big it was? Your bank balance, I mean.
You might say that's how you feel anyway. I'll give you that. But at least we're subtle about it. We usually even give you a couple of dates before we make a financial decision about you. And I know times are hard, but if you are going to require a job to talk to us, then we might require that you come clean about your, ahem, assets before we "bother talking to you!"
See what I did there? It's called turn-about is fair play.
Look, I'm just saying that the next time you decide to approach a woman at a bar, or a laundromat, or even, brave one you, safely ensconced in a group of other women, think before you enunciate. Mull, ponder, write and re-write, then edit yourself one more time before you start moving your lips. Ask yourself, What Would I Do If Faced With A Jerk Like Me? No need to make any jewelry.
WWIDIFWAJLM. WWJD. Get it? Okay, just checking.
We are all facing hard economic times, but if you throw that into an already volatile battle-of-the-sexes mix, you're not going to get fireworks, you're going to get napalm. And, nobody wants that.
Did I mention the pharmaceuticals?
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Patricia Martinez is the co-host Mike in the Morning Show, 93.1 KISS FM. If you are looking for some love advice from Patricia, please send an email to info@epmediagroup.com with Love in the subject line.
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What’s love got to do with it? Reverse dodgeball and first dates.
by Patricia Martinez
In the coming columns, I'll tell you my stories and I hope you tell me yours. Because that's what a relationship is all about. And relationships are what this column is all about.
Posted on October 22, 2008
Mickey Molina
October 30, 2008
Patricia, you're making a BIG deal out of nothing! Relax.
robnelp
October 30, 2008
Same thing women have been doing to men since the stone ages. Typical damned if you do, damned you don't scenario.
DJ
October 30, 2008
Good for that guy, and shame on you for judging him too harshly. He's got a lot of sense.... and obviously a lot of experience in dealing with the female type that's closely related to a parasite of some sort, one that is more common than you seem to know here in the EP.
What's wrong with holding the people you socialize with to the same standard of work ethic that you hold yourself to?
And by the way, Patricia, men usually don't “watch” chick flicks, even if they do actually “see” them. We're sitting there imagining all sorts of things we'd like to see the attractive female lead doing, not paying attention to any behavior lessons or the plot, which are all the same anyway.
Suzanne Fabian
October 30, 2008
That was hilarious! The good thing is- guys like this weed themselves out for us- less work going on those dates just to find out that after 3 dates he expects to go dutch or is looking for a sugarmomma.
Yes, at times women can be more diplomatic with giving guys a chance- is he just sloppy or is he just dirt poor or lazy. I myself always love a good volley when running into this situation- but karma has already been dealt on this man- he is a victim of himself and thus will wallow in his stumblings until one day he figures it out, remains a bachelor, or meets some girl who's buying crazy that day.
Thank goodness I don't have to deal too much with that stuff anymore. I am significantly-othered. I have left the world of the amoebas and am happily enjoying a real man. Sometimes the best zingers are the ones not said.
maleducado
October 30, 2008
There's nothing wrong with what the guy did, all's fair in love and war and all that rot. Everybody looks for the gainfully employed It's Darwinian. He's just upfront about it, if tactless. I knew a guy who knew a guy who would approach a woman at a bar and say, "Do you want to go to bed, or do I owe you an apology?"
It's not stupidity, just bluntness. If the young ladies were offended, they could have brushed him off. Its called freedom of will. And you really have no idea if it works for him or not, maybe it does. And he gets points for novelty, also.
Was your cousin upset because the guy could not immediately tell by the way she was dressed or made up that she was gainfully employed until she was overheard talking about work? Is that the source of her insecurity? That can be fixed by fashion tips.
And actually, I think its every guy's dream to have a woman come up to him and ask him how big "it' was. You could forego a lot of the small talk that way. And anyway, no matter what he responded about his..uhm...bank account, etc., you'd never know if he was telling you the truth until you were in the trenches anyway, which is the object the game.
Yes, you're making a big deal out of nothing.
Lduke
October 30, 2008
Yep, most men are dogs - Patricia - when someone says "you're making a "Big" deal out of nothing! Relax. RUN!!!! Don't walk, RUN - get away from that mess. If a guy is asking about your "gainful employment" chances are he's NOT!
MR CK
October 30, 2008
There are always guys that want to borrow money from women. He couldn't borrow from an unemployed woman, right? That's the scam.
Bobby
October 31, 2008
It's hard to tell the men from the boys nowadays. For that matter, it's hard to tell the men from the women.
Liz
November 1, 2008
I'll bet DJ was burned by some woman he probably met at a bar. He probably thinks she is the standard of what all women are.
For the betterment of humankind, DJ, stay single.
As for the guy in the article - someone needs to teach him a new pick-up line.
Big D
November 13, 2008
Nothing wrong with a guy asking if women are gainfully employed....
He may have needed to know if the women in the group were law enforcement types....can't afford to run the risk of getting busted to solicitation when he hits the up for sex....
He must have been a math major....four women....$8 a drink.... that's $32 bucks for each round....if they guzzle the booze that would be four rounds before he has a chance to pitch his pick up line.....that's $128 and he wanted to make sure the group could pay its way.
He was a survey taker......oh, I could keep going but you get the gist of it....